Growth begins with identifying a need, a desire, or a gap. It begins with a curious mind that asks questions and seeks answers. If you’d like to grow in your marriage, here are a list of questions to reflect on. Some of them may lead to the same place, just from different angles, and they are by no means an exhaustive list or step-by-step process. They’re meant to get you thinking, and lead you to one thing that most stands out to you or that feels most important right now. So as you read, think about which question lands with you or is most meaningful to you and pick one to carry with you moving forward. 

• What is most challenging to us right now? How would I like this area to look different? 

• When we disconnect, what tends to cause it? How can we minimize these disconnections and reconnect quickly when they do happen?

• Which of our differences cause the most tension? What would unity look like in this area? 

• What do I love about our relationship that I want more of? 

• When I feel really connected with my spouse, what tends to cause it? How can we include more of this in our marriage? 

• If we could grow in one area, what would I want it to be? What do I want this area to look like? 

• What do I feel is missing in our relationship? How can we start to incorporate that? 

• What struggle of mine most impacts our relationship? 

• What strength of mine is really beneficial to our relationship? How could I use this strength in higher quantity or quality to strengthen our marriage? 

• What external influence is most distracting or damaging to our marriage? How can we protect our marriage?

• What external influence or resource is most helpful or life-giving to our marriage? How can we seek out or infuse more of this influence or resource? 

• What makes us feel most alive together? 

• What is our marriage most hungry for? 

• How would my spouse answer these questions?

What stood out to you? Don’t get distracted or overwhelmed by the rest! Stay on that question and start putting your mind to work. 

I hope you feel excited! You’ve just created an opportunity. You’ve already started a process of growth by becoming more aware of your current dynamics and starting to envision a different future. It’s easier not to ask the questions and to say “good enough” or “it can wait.” But if you believe there is better and you are not willing to wait any longer, then that means new and better things are within your reach and could be ahead of you if you choose to keep walking forward. 

Think about it:

Choose one of these questions that stands out. Reflect on the question and possible answers. Record your thoughts in the form that is most helpful to you.

Do it: 

Share your thoughts with your spouse and talk together about what you could do about it.

*Prepare yourself to share with gentleness and love, and prepare your spouse for this conversation if it is a difficult or painful topic for the two of you. The more emotionally loaded the topic, the more prepared you both should be. Take as many steps back as you need to to view the topic from a wider angle. It could start with saying “I’ve had an area of our marriage on my mind that I would like to grow in together. When could we talk about that?” If that activates strong emotions in your spouse, take a step back even further by saying something like, “I know it can feel scary (or painful, etc.) to talk about growth and the areas that aren’t what we want them to be. But I want to grow with you. How can we bring things up or talk about them in a way that feels safe for you?” Adjust this to fit your communication style and the needs of your spouse. 

To the couples who are experiencing difficulty with this kind of communication right now,  you are not the only ones, and I wish I could walk with each one of you through this! Please reach out for prayer, and if there is any way I can be of support to you. And when you run into challenges, be brave through the discouragement and know that it is normal - it’s getting hard because you’re doing hard work! This hard work makes you strong. Keep going. 

These questions and topics are some examples of things that might be addressed in coaching. If you could use more support or mediation through these conversations with your spouse, if you’d like a more structured or long-term approach to the kind of growth you’d like to make, or if you’ve tried things like these and don’t feel that you’re growing but still want to…coaching might be for you! Reach out for a free intro call to explore what that might look like for you.