I love unexpected flowers, a surprise date, a really thoughtful or extravagant gift, a note left for me to find, or any other romantic gesture you can think of. Though the specific gestures that are meaningful to you might be different, we all love being thought of and pursued.

But that’s not actually what I’m here to talk about today. In fact, I’m here to call a few things out. You may be surprised by my list. 

These are 5 of the best ways to surprise your spouse:

1. Respond to a harsh tone with empathy

2. Respond to a complaint or criticism with humility

3. Respond to a mistake with grace and generous forgiveness 

4. Respond to an argumentative attitude with good listening 

5. Respond to an undesirable circumstance with a kind and gracious spirit 

I can tell you that in times I’ve asked my husband what makes him feel loved, his response is often the times I’ve been cheerful and loving even when things weren’t going well, or when I responded to a negative response of his with love and grace. And when I have been on the receiving end of that, it is just as powerful.

Classic romantic gestures are certainly a way to pursue your spouse, may make them feel very loved, and are an important element of your relationship. But this deep, sacrificial, unconditional love is what we’re called to, and it’s transformational for your heart and your marriage.

Think about it:

What’s a recent time that your spouse used a harsh tone with you, criticized you, hurt you, or argued? How could you have responded in a surprising, powerful way?

Do it:

Arm yourself with a phrase you will use the next time you get an opportunity to extend grace.

Something like this:

The next time my husband criticizes me, I will say:

“I can see why that frustrated you. Thank you for being honest about how you feel. I’m going to spend some time reflecting on how I could do that better next time.”

This kind of response is disarming, and most likely your spouse will acknowledge that they should have approached you differently. If not, your next response might sound like this:

“I’m glad you shared with me and I understand why that was frustrating. I do feel hurt by how you brought it up to me. Next time, would you speak more kindly?”

This is not about ignoring your own feelings or enabling destructive patterns in your marriage. It’s about staying open to growth and to each other as you go through the ups and downs of daily life together.

Prayers for you as you seek to surprise your spouse with grace even when - especially when - it’s undeserved.