I’m focusing all my words today on just ONE thing that can help you have more peace in your marriage.

Because this one thing has impacted me deeply. 

It’s something I heard, read about in books and blogs like this, and was aware of for a long time, but wasn’t willing to let go of. 

It’s expectations. 

We can get attached to our expectations so quickly, can’t we? And most of the time, they’re well-intentioned. Many of the times that I struggle with expectations, when I stop to identify them, I realize that I truly do want good things for our marriage. It’s not just about getting what I want, but about things that I believe are good for the marriage.

When we’ve reached the end of what is within our control, the expectations or anticipations that we have just aren’t panning out, and we truly believe what we’re expecting is a good and reasonable idea, that can be a tough place to be in.

Here are 3 ways making adjustments in your expectations can bring more peace to your mind and your marriage:

1. Let go

   Be honest with yourself about what deserves your focus and what is worth trading your peace and draining your energy. Once you do, you are freed up to extend more grace, shrug off the things that don’t pan out, and move on to the next good thing. 

   I’m not good at this, but I’m learning. Something I come back to when I’m struggling to let go is this phrase:

   “I wish, but if not.”

   And then I fill in the blank.

   “I wish my husband would __________, but if not, I will be thankful for who he is.”

   “I wish we could spend more time together, but if not, I will be intentional the time we do have to really connect with one another.”

   This practice allows me to acknowledge my very real desires, accept the realities, and find a way to move forward.

2. Communicate

   You want your spouse to unload the dishwasher before you get home? Just say that. My husband is unbelievable kind and willing to do almost anything for me. But there have been times I have found myself not asking, but still expecting something. And when I’d get home and he had the whole day off and didn’t do the one thing I wanted him to do but didn’t tell him, I’d be frustrated. Never mind that he took care of 5 other things that weren’t even on my radar.

   Of course it would have been nice if he noticed it needed to be done and did it without being asked. But that’s not fair to him. I can’t blame him for not reading my mind. I can’t blame him for saying no either! But I can ask. And this brought me peace when I was finally willing to do it. When he knows my expectation, we’re able to decide on what we both agree to and what’s reasonable, and we head off the potential for frustration and disconnection.

   But what about when it’s not something small? What if you’re asking your spouse to listen to a concern of yours, meet a need in a way you’ve been feeling neglected, take a step back in a way you’ve been feeling controlled, or something else with higher stakes? Something in which a “no” is just not healthy or sustainable?

   This is where I encourage taking an honest look at needed boundaries and further support. If the expectations you’re communicating are around a more deeply rooted pattern or significant issue, letting go or accepting a no might not be appropriate. Persevere, pursue open and honest conversations, seek further support, and read adjustment #3.

3. Look to Jesus

   If your expectation is going unmet, and it’s more of a need, instead of changing your expectation, consider changing your source. Who are you expecting it of?

   Psalm 37:4 says “delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

   Rather than being a transactional promise, or a deal we make with God, this verse speaks to what actually fills our hearts. When we delight ourselves in God, we are receiving the desire of our hearts and the fulfillment of our needs. In other words, delighting ourselves in Jesus and receiving the desires of our hearts are the same thing.

   By delighting in Jesus, truly communing with Him, you are receiving the deepest desires of your heart that He designed you with.

   He can fill your heart in ways your spouse never could.

Think about it:

What’s a recent or current expectation that has gone unmet? Write down a phrase acknowledging that and how you will choose to respond:

I wish ____________, but if not, ________________.

Do it:

Take that same expectation and communicate it to your spouse this week. Tell them what it is you’re hoping for, and that you want to talk together about what will work best. Be prepared to come back to the phrase you already established, knowing how you’ll respond if you get a “no” or “not yet.”