There’s nothing that sets off defenses quicker than feeling like your spouse is attacking or accusing you. 

My husband and I have found ourselves in this cycle: one of us brings up something that has been bothering us, the other person jumps to self-protection in the form of defensiveness, shifting blame, getting louder, or shutting down. We have found that this can happen even when the person bringing up the offense does so in a gentle way. Then that person feels the other person doesn’t have the right to get angry, shut down, or defend, because they brought up an honest concern, and they jump to similar defense and self-protection. 

Whew. That’s a lot of back and forth. 

Sound familiar? How about exhausting? Confusing? Dysfunctional? Lots of things. 

Here’s how you can interrupt that cycle: understand the difference between being triggered and being wounded.

My husband and I have been in conflict where we go in circles of expressing hurt, defending ourselves, casting blame because we feel accused, and arguing over tone and semantics.

If I bring something up to my spouse gently and he responds poorly, I have to understand that just because I didn’t attack or wound  my spouse does not mean I didn’t trigger him. He needs me to see his triggered response and address it with him.

If my spouse brings something up to me and I feel hurt, I have to understand that just because I feel triggered doesn’t mean he wounded me.

I can acknowledge my hurt without blaming. I can recognize the feelings coming up in me without having to assign guilt or intent to my spouse. And I can see his triggered reaction and validate him knowing it might not completely be a reflection on me. 

Here’s how understanding this can help in conflict:

• If you’re feeling hurt, understand that your feelings are valid, but it doesn’t mean your spouse wounded you. Recognizing your triggers and untangling them from your view of your spouse can help you articulate, process, care for the wounded parts of you, and ask for grace. 

• If your spouse is reacting poorly to you, understand they may be triggered even if you didn’t attack, and that’s valid too. Take the time to understand what triggered them, acknowledge the way your behavior  impacted that, and care for that part of them in order to bypass triggers next time. 

• Take the time to ask for what you need as well and care for what is coming up in you. Intimacy requires give and take. If you’re not being listened to and cared for in the same way and not giving opportunities for that, that’s not intimacy, it’s dependence. 

• It doesn’t matter whether or not you or your spouse should feel triggered by certain things. The fact is, you are. And only caring for those wounded parts of you will bring you the healing you actually want together. 

Here’s how to do it:

• Start using diffusing phrases like, “I feel hurt/triggered, but it’s not your fault” or “I see you’re feeling triggered. Help me understand.” 

• When you’re getting a negative reaction, take the time to understand your spouse’s triggers, take note, and be mindful moving forward

• When you’re starting to feel triggered, stop and acknowledge it and identify what’s going on in you. If this takes you some time, ask for a few minutes to reflect and then come back to the conversation and share with your spouse what you are seeing in yourself, and ask for grace.

• If this is something you’re struggling with in marriage right now and you’re reading this alone, share this with your spouse and read it together, and talk about what this might look like in your conflict.

Reactivated wounds and strong emotions can be disorienting. Reorient yourself with these reminders, and arm yourself with grace for yourself and your spouse. 

Keep doing the good work. You two are worth it.