I’ve written previously about forgiveness and the foundation of our decision to forgive. But what is forgiveness? We’re so familiar with this topic that we assume we know what it is. It’s a simple enough idea. Living it out is a little (or a lot) more complex. When we really sit down and think about it, a clear definition can actually be quite elusive.

There are many misunderstandings about forgiveness that lead to harmful expectations for ourselves and others, and actually damage relationships even further instead of resulting in reconciliation. If you’ve even questioned if you’ve actually forgiven, or how you are supposed to know, uncovering your working definition of forgiveness and weighing it against the truth can bring some clarity.

If you’re coming from a faith background or looking at this from a Christian worldview, a lot of your expectations about forgiveness may come from the Bible. We’re commanded in the Bible to forgive. That is quite clear. During His time on earth, Jesus was bold in teachings on forgiveness. But what this is supposed to look like in our specific relationships and circumstances is not quite so clear. It can lead us to misguided applications and leave us asking, “how should my forgiveness translate to my behavior? What does it look like in my situation?”

First, understand that forgiveness is NOT:

• No longer feeling pain or hurt when you think about the situation or person who hurt you (you were designed with a nervous system and emotions to protect you and attach to others in healthy ways. Lingering pain and hurt are evidence of this system at work, and of needed healing, not of lack of forgiveness.)

• Convincing yourself not to remember what happened (you were designed with a memory. When it works, that’s not an indicator that you haven’t forgiven.)

• Pushing back thoughts or feelings about what happened (this is avoidance and dishonesty, not grace.)

• Staying in an unsafe situation (forgiveness should promote reconciliation. Enabling or allowing abuse or mistreatment does not promote reconciliation.)

• Leaving yourself vulnerable to being hurt by someone who is refusing to take responsibility

• Giving up your right to feel or express pain about what happened (processing your pain is an important part of healing. Bringing it up when it hurts doesn’t automatically mean you are holding it over anyone, harboring bitterness, or not letting it go. It means you’re still suffering the consequences of what happened, and it’s healthy and important to express that in a time and place supportive of your healing.)

So if forgiveness is not absence of pain or anger, the ability to not think about it anymore, giving someone another chance, granting them indiscriminate access to you, or deciding not to bring it up again, then what is it?

Forgiveness IS:

• Choosing not to hinge your healing on someone else’s actions

• Acknowledging and processing through your own pain

• Being open to reconciliation based on the other persons’s capacity for it

• Focusing on your own healing when painful feelings or memories come up again

• Surrendering your right to punish or retaliate

While we don’t get too many descriptions in the Bible of how we are called to act out our forgiveness, we do see descriptions of God’s forgiveness of us. We know the penalty for sin is death, but God sent His son to take our punishment upon Him. That’s the Gospel. It means God no longer requires restitution. He no longer requires us to pay the price. Forgiving someone else is relinquishing our right to punish them. When we choose to forgive, we’re saying “I choose not to punish you anymore for what you’ve done.”

God doesn’t shield us from the consequences of our actions, but He does remove His right to punish us if we accept His sacrifice. Choosing to give up my right to punish someone else doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain from what they did, I shouldn’t bring things up again when they come up again for me, or that I should or have to stay in close proximity to them.

Now let me attempt to answer some of the questions that might still be swimming around in your mind.

What can I do if I’ve chosen to forgive, but am still feeling pain or anger?

Focus on your own healing. Your healing is not going to come from this person’s behavior. It will come through processing what is in you in a safe environment. Work through your pain. It’s not a sign you haven’t forgiven. You’re still experiencing pain from being wounded. Process it and heal.

What if I’ve chosen to forgive and am working toward healing, and continue to get significantly hurt?

Get distance, set boundaries, stay safe. God reconciles with us based on our acceptance of His sacrifice and commitment to follow Him. Forgiveness is being open to that process. But if the other person is not, there is a boundary there. There may be a need for some healthy distance, whether it be physical, or emotional, or relational.

What if I’ve done what I can to process what happened and feelings of pain or anger resurface, even years later?

Process it again. There is no time limit on healing. There is no expiration date on pain. It can come up in unexpected ways at unexpected times when your context reactivates it. Most of that is outside of your control or ability to predict. What you can do is process it when it comes up.

How do you process it? Name and acknowledge what you feel, acknowledge why you feel that way and that it makes sense.

Validation comes from connecting the dots. Oh yeah, this happened to me 5 years ago. That thing that person just said brought a flashback. What I went through was really painful, so reliving it for a minute activated anger that I still have to suffer the effects. You’re connecting the dots, and your feelings make sense. You’re not wrong, you’re not stupid, you’re not selfish, you’re not harboring resentment just because you felt what you did. So name and acknowledge.

If you’re still in relationship with the person involved, ask if they’re willing to process with you. Let them know some old feelings were reactivated, and you want to heal and connect.

If this is your marriage, hopefully you’ve established a safe environment to do this. If not, that is in order before it is healthy for you to bring up old wounds. Not because it’s bad to do so, but because the environment isn’t right for it yet, and it will probably just create new wounds for both of you.

Your first step together is naming the goal of being able to process feelings that come up in the present about things in the past in a way that is comforting and healing for both of you.

But know this:

Feelings coming up from old wounds is a signal that you need something more, not that you haven’t given up enough.

Your feelings are not an indicator of whether or not you’ve forgiven, but of whether or not you have healed.

We’d never treat physical pain the way we treat emotional pain. If you got a physical wound months ago that continues to stay open and get infected, we’d be concerned for your healing, encourage you to seek care, and validate the pain you express. We’d look at that festering wound and show empathy.

Let’s do the same for one another with emotional pain. I know it’s less visible, less tangible, more abstract, harder to identify and understand.

But this is good and connecting work and so healthy for your relationships.

Love one another in this way.

Think about it:

What misconceptions have you believed about forgiveness?

How does understanding it better bring you hope?

Do it:

Find a time when you are not in conflict with your spouse to ask these questions:

(Depending on your dynamic, it might be important to ask for the conversation ahead of time. Explain that you want to talk about the way you handle talking about wounds you experience from each other and are wondering when a good time would be. This will help your spouse feel prepared and choose a time that is best for what could be a sensitive conversation.)

• What is our dynamic like for expressing old or new wounds?

• How can expressing feelings that come up for us impact our relationship?

• What do we each need for the environment to feel and be safe?