Early on in our marriage, my husband and I talked a lot about approaching conflict, decisions, and challenges as a team.

As life happened, we found ourselves in lots of conflicts, decisions, and challenges in which we were very much so NOT acting as a team.

So I did a lot of thinking and praying. It’s easy to say we want to approach things as a team, and it’s easy to want it, or think we do. But what does it actually mean? What does it take?

Here are a few ways to stop talking about being a team and start acting like one. 

1. Cast a vision together.

Teams have common goals they are working toward. Have you defined what that is for you as a couple? Do you know what a “win” would mean for both of you in a current circumstance or challenge?

What are you working toward in life, finances, family, and careers? If you don’t have common goals, aim to get there. You won’t start with all of your goals aligned, but you can learn how to become unified. Start by reflecting on your own about what your visions and goals are. Then come together and share them. Do the work of deciding together what you are going to work toward and agree on.  It may take many conversations and some negotiations. Stay patient and stay connected through the process, knowing you will work together with more strength and purpose when you’re working toward the same thing.

This might be applied to a big decision you’re making, the trajectory of your lives, or in a minor conflict or tense conversation. Define the goal or the win so you can work together toward it.

2. Reframe in conflict.

In some of our early conflicts (and even now when we’re overtired, forgetful, dealing with something new, or something especially painful) we found ourselves framing one another as the enemy in many conflicts. Here’s what it sounds like to position yourself as teammates instead of opponents: 

• “Help me understand”

• “You shared ___________ with me. Am I understanding that right?”

• “How can I help right now?”

• Seek to understand their perspective first 

• Practice curiosity about your spouse (what are they feeling right now? Why are they feeling that way? What outcome do they want here? What is important to them?) if you aren’t sure of the answers to these, ask your spouse! If you’ve filled in some blanks for yourself, check your assumptions by sharing with your spouse to confirm the accuracy. “It seems like you’re feeling ________. Is that accurate? Was made you feel that way?”

• “What growth do we need?”

• “What is really behind this for you?”

3. Value one another’s contributions and seek input

Teams combine and contribute their strengths to move toward their common goal. Notice each other’s strengths and how they positively impact your lives. Defer to your spouse in the areas they excel. Seek their opinion and insight when making decisions or considering options. Be willing to contribute in the ways you have strengths or skills to offer.

4. Identify the gaps

Sit down together and take a look at what’s getting missed or slipping through the cracks. Take some time to strategize. Making a regular time to do this can help create a norm for bringing up the gaps you’re seeing when your spouse isn’t, and ask for the help that you need. It could be gaps in logistics, communication, needs, or something else. Recognizing these and naming them together will enable you to work together to close the gaps.

5. Work on your own growth

Teams strategize together and coordinate. But they also practice, condition, and hone their own skills. What is your role in your relationship? What are your contributions and responsibilities? And how are your traits, perspectives, and heart conditions impacting things? You’re a strong team when you’re both working on your own stuff too.

Think about it:

In which of these 5 areas do you want to grow?

Do it:

Write down one practical thing you will do when the next conflict or decision arises to promote better teamwork.