Have you ever found yourself in the middle of something before stopping to ask why you’re doing it in the first place? Maybe you’ve run into a few roadblocks and stopped to ask yourself, “why did I even start this?” Or “why am I going doing it this way?” There are many reasons we might find ourselves going through the motions without even knowing why:

• It’s the way it’s always been done

• It’s what our family did

• It’s what the people around us are doing

• It just made sense at the time

• There was no reason not to

• One thing led to another and just ended up that way

We are not always intentional with our “why” when we get started on things, or lose sight of our “why” as time passes.

So why marriage?

Why am I here, and why does this even matter? I’m here with convictions the Lord has placed on my heart and ideas for how we can grow in our marriages. I’m here to use the education, training, experience, skills, and God-given gifts I have to encourage and empower you to have a more resilient and connected marriage, and I believe there is intrinsic good in that, but it’s not the real “why.”

The real “why” is this: to understand the heart of God, and build our marriage into a living, breathing picture of Him.

God created the physical world to enable us to understand spiritual truths, and marriage is an incredible example of that. We’re a metaphor for Christ and His Bride.

When we forgive when it’s undeserved, show grace when we are hurt, accept one another unconditionally, pursue our spouse when their heart is turned against us, remain open when we are betrayed, and seek deep intimacy with our spouse, our marriage survives and has hope to thrive, yes. But more important than that, when we do those things we show Love. We show the world who Love is. And we understand who Love is more deeply for ourselves.

I want to encourage you to find deeper peace in your marriage so that you understand the deep peace of God. I want you to learn selfless forgiveness because I want you to be able to receive it from God.

Marriage has always been a top priority that I felt deserved my highest level of investment and commitment. But I reached a point in my own marriage that I realized I was working through my marriage issues in order to be closer to my husband, when all along it was really about me and Jesus. As I worked through my unique mix of pain and grief within my marriage, I decided that I would trade anything to be closer to Jesus, and realized it was worth the trade every time. When I allowed the things I lost to make room for what Jesus had for me, I came out ahead every time. And I began to ask myself in the wake of earthly losses, what do I have to gain from the Love who never fails me?

My best case scenario used to be things like a peaceful marriage, deep connection, and an uncomplicated, exciting sex life. I still care about those things, love to learn and share practical ways to work on them, and invest consistently. But none of those things are the big picture. They are merely components of something much greater.

Why do you want a better marriage? Is it because you want to enjoy each other more, infuse fun back into your relationship, navigate conflict more smoothly, become unified in current decisions you’re facing, or to be able to love one another better? Why do you want those things?

Why is having a better marriage so important?

Because when we see marriage clearly and understand it deeply, we see God more clearly and understand Him more deeply.

When we understand marriage deeply we are able to live it in the way it was intended: a powerful picture of the Gospel.

This is not to discount any of the goals I’ve listed or others like it, such as having deeper companionship, more fun together, better communication, or unity and teamwork around daily responsibilities. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. The details of your marriage are more important than you may have ever imagined. If we’re talking about the “why,” these things are the “what” and the “how.” The ground-level daily living out of the Gospel and the context in which you get to apply it. As you do, don’t forget the bigger picture all these things are part of.

Through the hardships in my marriage, Jesus led me to redefine my best case scenario. My best case scenario is more of Jesus. When marriage is not feeling so peaceful, I take an honest look at what we can do about it, but I also step back and ask Jesus about what is surfacing in my heart and how He wants me to grow. When I’m feeling disconnected, I work on pursuing my husband and asking for what I need to feel close to him. But I also look up and reach for Jesus and lean into connection with Him. When our sexual connection is feeling complicated, painful, or just falling flat and I’m feeling disappointed or hurt, I kneel at the feet of Jesus and listen to His teaching.

And 2 things happen:

1. He uses what is going on in my marriage to bring me into His presence and He gives me more than I ever lost

2. He strengthens and empowers me to face the circumstances that continue to feel broken

In other words, each challenge is an opportunity to experience more of Jesus, and be more like Jesus. I long for a better marriage because as I work through each challenge hand-in-hand with Jesus, I grow closer to Him, and then I get to turn around and act more like Him too. It’s a breathtaking cycle of growth and sacrificial love.

These are some big thoughts, some deep waters. I invite you to dive in and see what the Lord is showing you through the details of your marriage. I invite you to redefine your best case scenario and discover this “why” for yourself.

Think about it:

What circumstance in your marriage is opening your eyes to who God is?

What circumstance in your marriage is challenging you the most right now? How is it drawing you closer to Jesus? How does working on this area make you more like Him?

Do it:

Think about the flip side of this: the challenges in your marriage draw you into God’s presence, and then His presence empowers you to turn back around and be a reflection of His love.

What action step will you take this week that will give your spouse a clearer picture of who God is?