1. Before, During, and After Your Wedding Night

Your wedding night and earliest days of marriage kick off patterns and set the tone for your sexual relationship.

The bad news: Emotions and experiences - even good ones - that go unprocessed or are processed ineffectively can inhibit intimacy and have lasting impacts on the relationship. 

The AMAZING news: you get to choose. By taking a few key steps of preparation and establishing communication norms, these early experiences can be turned into opportunities to build greater intimacy and create positive patterns. 

There are 3 main things you’ll want to be prepared to communicate about that we’ll break down in terms of timing:

1. Before your wedding night

2. During your wedding night

3. After your wedding night
   

1. Before Your Wedding Night

Conversations before your wedding night should include:

• Your past experiences

• The feelings you experience in anticipation of the wedding night

• How you want the evening to go 

You might be all excitement and eagerness, or maybe you have some anxiety or nerves mixed in there. Maybe you have experiences from your past that are influencing how you feel about your sexual relationship with your soon-to-be husband or wife. Maybe it’s the opposite and you worry about how marriage will change your sex life. Maybe you’ve already been having sex and this doesn’t feel like anything special to you.

The success of your wedding night will be greatly influenced by the conversations you have ahead of time about your feelings, anticipations, expectations, beliefs, attitudes, and past experiences.

I’m guessing the plan for your wedding ceremony and reception is not, “just wing it.” Why should the plan for your wedding night be? Especially when it has far more influence on the dynamics of your marriage. While it won’t require the same amount of time, it should be given the same amount of thoughtfulness.

2. During Your Wedding Night

These conversations should include what you experience on the wedding night:

• Physically

• Mentally

• Emotionally

Whatever your feelings and experiences are leading up to your wedding night, you won’t know how it will actually go until it happens, so it’s important to have a way to process it. 

You will want to do this in real time, shortly after your first married sexual experience together, or even during if necessary.

This is one of your first steps that will give you choice in what your patterns and dynamics are in marriage and sex, instead of watching them unfold outside of your control.

Talking about your thoughts and feelings after you have sex on your wedding night might seem strange or unnecessary now, but you don’t know yet what will come up for you. If things go smoothly both physically and emotionally, you may not have a lot to process. That’s fine! But you want to be ready for it if you do have unexpected or painful feelings or sensations. And if you experience nothing but positives, talking about that after will only build your connection and bond.

If you have already started establishing positive ways of communicating about sex with one another before your wedding night, this conversation will be familiar territory for you. You will have a greater comfort level if you’ve practiced in less high-stakes contexts.

3. After Your Wedding Night

These conversations are centered around the patterns and dynamics that are emerging as you transition into your marriage. I have encountered story after story of a couple’s earliest sexual experiences in their marriage and the lasting impact it had on their relationship, especially when it went unspoken, or was expressed in dysfunctional ways.

You will start to learn about your tendencies, wants, and needs in relation to initiation, desire, touch, timing, frequency, and much more. You may also experience a variety of barriers. And throughout your lifetime together, you will experience many changes in many ways. If you learn to talk about it now, you will be equipped to thrive in your sex life and address the challenges as they come up.

So:

• Talk about sex before you get married

• Talk about it as you have your first sexual experiences as a married couple

• Continue talking about what’s happening in your relationship as you establish yourselves as a couple

How to communicate before, during, and after your wedding night

Your story as a couple is unique. I want to acknowledge the unique challenges and opportunities of your circumstances, so in the next few articles I will break things down for 4 different types of couples:

• Two people who have not had significant prior sexual experiences 

• One person who has not had prior sexual experiences and one who has

• Two people who have both had prior sexual experiences but have not been sexually active with one another

• Two people who have had prior sexual experiences and/or are sexually active with another 

*Please note that if either of you have experienced abuse or assault in any way in the past, there are additional needs for processing and healing in order to set your marriage up for success, especially in your sexual relationship. I encourage you to seek support and community that can walk you through this. 

Which description do you relate to?

Which of the above statements describes you and your husband or wife-to-be? We’ll dive into the specific things you can do to prepare for your wedding night and how to have these important conversations. Look for the next 4 articles according to the description you most relate to. Or, if you’re interested or not sure, read all 4!

Then join me again for a final article in this series about mindsets and perspectives to bring freedom to your sex life.

Can’t wait to dive in together!