Navigating Marriage in Dark Waters
I recently became certified as an open water scuba diver and was blessed to be able to go on an incredible diving trip with my husband. On this trip, an unexpected opportunity arose to do a night dive. I spent the next 24 hours going back and forth over whether or not I would participate. Diving over 50 feet down in the open ocean in moderate currents as a new diver was wearing me down psychologically. Though diving was an amazing experience, it required mental strength and continuously pushing past fears. Adding the darkness on top of that felt like too much.
As I evaluated my options, I envisioned cleaning up from the morning dives, exploring the island with Enoch, enjoying a relaxing dinner together, and then ending the evening by the pool with my Bible, my journal, and the book I was currently reading. That picture flooded me with peace and relief, and I was on the verge of deciding to stay back when I realized the irony of the title and topic of the book I was reading. The Night is Normal (Alicia Britt Chole, 2023. I highly recommend it). It’s about not bailing when we face disillusionment and instead, pressing in to what the Lord has for us to find in the dark times in our lives.
So yes, you heard me correctly: I was going to avoid the fear of diving in the dark by staying back to read a book about persevering through our fear of the dark to discover what God has for us in it. The irony wasn’t lost on me. I made my decision to do the night dive because it felt symbolic of what the Lord was teaching me through this book. I had just read about how God builds things in us through the “nights” in our life that we would not be able to discover in the “day.”And, in fact, there was something I knew I was likely to see on this night dive that was very unlikely to see during the day: octopus.
Fun fact about me, the octopus is my favorite animal. They’re extremely intelligent, incredibly beautiful, and highly captivating. They are what got me most excited about diving. And I knew that this night dive was my best chance to see one.
We’ve experienced many “nights” in our marriage and they have come in many forms, both internal and external. I’ve spent most of my time in these nights fighting the darkness, trying to escape it, or getting lost in it. But by the grace of God, He has been teaching me to ask a question instead: Lord, what do you have for me to find in the dark?
As I assembled my scuba gear and prepared to jump into the dark water and descend, I kept thinking to myself, I wonder what I will get to see down there? I went into the dark on the lookout for beautiful things.
But even though I had a light with me, this dive site, and diving in general, was new to me. Thankfully we had a dive master with us who was well acquainted with the ocean and what was in it. As we went along, he led us, found the sea life that was emerging as day turned to night, and shone his light on it so we could see it too.
It’s a little like asking that question. Lord, what do you have for me to find in this darkness?
When I open my heart up to His answer, Jesus is right there with me to illuminate what He wants me to learn and gain through each particular night.
Many of my nights lately have had to do with fear. It’s what I’ve struggled with most over the past few years. It has felt very much like my enemy. Kindof like the darkness on my night dive, until I realized that it was actually the context in which I could see the beautiful things I was hoping to. When I reflected on my night dive, I reached a place of gratitude. I realized that I am so thankful for my fear, because it is teaching me many things. It’s the place where many life-giving truths have emerged from hiding.
I’d like to share some of the truth that I have discovered in the middle of the night that I know would never have been visible in the daylight:
I am only guaranteed 3 things: that I will face many trials in this life; that Jesus will walk with me through each trial of this life; that He will make everything right in the next.
I cannot hold too tightly to anything in this life.
Though all I know right now is the present moment, I can be at peace knowing my future is secure. Whatever I lose right now, I know it’s not permanent.
My hope is not in keeping what I have (“who hopes for what they already have?” Romans 8:24). And when I lose what I have, I can wait for it patiently with hope of the resurrection.
I’m on mission for something much greater that will put all of this in context and make everything make sense.
If I am holding so tightly to something that I would be angry, question God, or hold it against others if I lose it, it is an idol. And I should be more concerned that I have not cast it down than I am about losing it.
I have spent a lot of nights wide awake from fear and worry. I remember the night that I was finally able to articulate these truths. As soon as I did, I was flooded with peace and I slept soundly.
As I persevere through the dark, I am finding an amazing process at work. I am walking through the night with Jesus with my eyes open, and He is illuminating some beautiful things. My fears are causing me to ask questions that are leading me to some incredible truths. He is expanding my perspective.
I want to encourage you to open your eyes in whatever dark waters you are in right now. There is something there that you can’t see during the day, something beautiful and captivating. Something Jesus has hidden there for you, because He knows what it will do for your heart.
Oh and in case you were wondering…we saw TWO octopus on that dive.
Think about it:
What “night” are you walking through in your marriage right now? What big questions is it causing you to ask?
Do it:
Voice those question to God. Listen. Record what he brings to your heart and mind.
Celebrate and share the treasure you’ve just found in the dark.
