3. Preparing for Your Wedding Night: For the Couple with a Mismatch in Prior Sexual Experiences

This set of preparations is for a couple in which one person has not had significant prior sexual experiences and one person has. I use the word “significant” here, because most of us go into marriage with some level of exposure. Sexual experiences are not black and white. They exist on a vast spectrum from no exposure at all to masturbation and/or pornography use to diverse sexual relationships with others, and everything in between.

Identifying where you fall on this spectrum is not about a label, a degree of severity, a certain sexual act, or making comparisons. Instead, it’s about understanding what has impacted you and what will likely impact your marriage in order to establish a healthy and unified sexual relationship together. If one of you would describe your exposure as mild and infrequent, and one of you has more frequent or significant experiences, you might identify this as a mismatch or gap. Naming the gap matters because it is what will open the door for you to close the gap, address any challenges it presents, and build strong unity and deep intimacy together.

If you relate to this description and feel there is a mismatch in your past experiences, these steps of preparation will help you create a meaningful and positive wedding night and establish positive dynamics in your marriage and sexual relationship.

Some of you may feel like you’re in a really healthy place: secure in your relationship, comfortable with your sexuality, and at peace with the past. Some of you might have relational concerns, disconnections from your sexuality, or pain connected to your own or your spouse’s past. Take a quick moment to reflect on where you feel on a scale of 1-10 in these 3 areas:

• Security in your relationship

• Comfort-level with your own sexuality

• Peace regarding the past

Keep this in mind as you work through this guide, and ask yourself how you could use each step to increase your security, comfort level, or peace.

Before we jump in:

Read this article in smaller pieces if you need. There’s a lot to say that is pouring out from a place of longing in me. I want to offer as much as I can to you, and address the diversity of experiences represented in couples who identify with the description in the title. I feel led to include it all. But I know it’s a lot! So I’ve split it up into 3 sections for you to read at your own pace.

• A quick heart-to-heart and a prayer

  Now, will you join me behind the scenes for a moment? This article is prayed over. Before we start I want to share part of a prayer I recorded in a voice memo as I wrote this.

  I pray that this would be Spirit-led, Spirit-filled, and Spirit-fueled. Let this not just be informational or educational, but also supernatural. Bring freedom and growth. I pray that couples would be filled with peace that sounds like “I understand, and we can move beyond our challenges to the ‘more’ that is here for us.” Make deep intimacy and love accessible. You are thinking about every couple who will read this. You are guiding my mind and hands as I write. We are crafting it together with each one of those people in mind. I trust your love and truth to flow through me and that what emerges is for someone who is reading this, just as you are for every person reading this. Bless each couple with a sense of hope, excitement, and relief - relief that comes from the validation they feel, from the understanding they gain, and from the empowerment of knowing that the intimacy they long for is within their grasp. We all have gaps in different ways between ourselves and our spouses, between what we want and what we have, and between who we are and who we want to be. Fill the gaps for all of us.

  I hope by the end of this you feel put at ease by some practical steps you can take, and have gotten the sense that your thoughts and feelings around this are so valid and normal.

  But first I want to speak to your heart.

  Take a deep breath and persevere, because there are incredible things waiting for you on the other side.

  Your situation may feel challenging or confusing. You might not like the feelings coming up for you. You might find yourself thrown for a loop by unexpected things. You might deal with feelings of pain you can’t quite figure out the source of. You might find it hard to understand each other. You might wish that things were simpler. But I’ll let you in on a secret: they’re complicated for everybody. If you find yourself wishing for different circumstances, understand that no matter what mix of circumstances and experiences you brought in, you’d find complexity and difficulty in your sexual relationship. Brokenness touches every corner of our world. It does not in any way disqualify you from experiencing a wonderfully connecting and intimate sex life with your spouse. And the unique challenges you’re struggling with? They also bring unique opportunities for an even stronger bond.

  Sexuality and its potential and purpose in marriage is more significant than you may have ever imagined. Seek any healing and closure you need together in relation to the past, and run toward the future together.

  Now here are the practicals of what you can do before, during, and after your wedding night to make that happen.

  Enjoy, you two 💚

• The practicals

  Before: 

  1. Build some knowledge you can have in common to help close the gap.

  The partner who has not had prior sexual experiences may feel left behind or self-conscious and like they need to catch up. This can create feelings of anxiety and embarrassment. Look for quality resources you can engage with together so that you go into it with some common ground and common understandings and feel like partners instead.

  2. Detox from mindsets, messages, and beliefs that don’t serve you well, and establish new ones.

  You’ve received lots of messages through the years that have influenced the mindsets and beliefs you’ve developed about sex. They may have come from a number of sources including parents, siblings, peers, school, church, and media. Some of  them you may be aware of, but others are unconscious. Some of them may be true and constructive, and others are probably not. You will operate out of these beliefs and mindsets until you identify them. Identifying them gives you back the power and opportunity to choose truth.

  1. Write down the sources you have received information, education, or messages from

  2. Write down what you learned or were told from each source about sex and sexuality 

  3. Talk together about whether or not you agree with each message, and what is true

  4. If you have any lingering questions, mindsets, or information you’re not sure about, write them down or highlight them. Take them to a trusted mentor or quality source of information to reconcile this information. 

  5. Affirm your beliefs and reiterate truths that will serve you well. Do this internally with yourself, and verbally with each other.

  It is also extremely helpful to reset together by establishing new, healthy mindsets on marriage that the two of you share. One great resource is a book by Dr. Juli Slattery called “God, Sex, and Your Marriage.” Reading and discussing this together will create a foundation to build your sex life on that is grounded in life-giving truth.

  3. Plan ahead: logistics

  This will help both of you feel set up for success. Planning out the evening together will help unify expectations and reduce pressure.

  If either of you are dealing with feelings of loneliness due to the gap between you, fear or anxiety related to any part of the evening, pressure to perform, or shame regarding your knowledge or prior experiences or lack of knowledge or prior experiences, this practical step can make a huge difference.

  Here are some elements to think through together:

  • What position will you start with?

  • Where will you be most comfortable physically and psychologically? (Choose a place you know you will not be heard or interrupted)

  • What will you do to set the mood? (make this night meaningful and memorable!)

  • Who will initiate? When and how?

  • How will you get started?

  • How will you clean up after?

  • What birth control methods will you use? Who is responsible?

  Be sensitive as you do this and make these decisions based on some of the learning you’ve done together so the process feels like a partnership and doesn’t call more attention to the gap between you.

  “Sex” does not have to be interchangeable with “intercourse.” Agree on a broader definition and decide up front that you will celebrate the start of your marriage with a connecting sexual experience. 

  Make your night about sexual connection, deepening intimacy, discovery, and special memories. Include meaningful elements and ask each other what you need to make this night feel connecting and meaningful.

  How this first sexual experience unfolds will depend on how the timing works out, your energy level, your comfort level, and possibly other physical and emotional factors. Be mindful that things might not pan out as planned and don’t feel pressure to rush into anything you’re not ready for. If you end up with less time, a less ideal location, or more physical limitations than you planned, here are some additional things to think through:

  • How much time do we have? 

  • What are other ways we could connect sexually? 

  • What do we have the capacity for physically and emotionally right now?

  • What will make us feel connected?

  The best time for intercourse might be this first night, but it might be the next morning, or another day on your honeymoon. 

  Just make sure you communicate about this ahead of time to establish common expectations. If intercourse doesn’t work out when you originally planned, enjoy connecting sexually in another way, process through any emotions that arise, and decide a time together when you will try next. 

  4. Plan ahead: celebration

  Your wedding night is a celebration of your marriage, and of a beautiful new start together. You probably included lots of elements and traditions in your wedding ceremony and reception. What would it look like to carry this over into your first sexual experiences together too? What elements, traditions, or little ceremonies could be part of these experiences? What will you do to make your first sexual experiences together meaningful? 

  Here are some ideas and examples:

  • Write a letter to one another reflecting on the unique things you appreciate about each other, what you want to build together overall in your marriage and specifically in your sex life, and the feelings for each other you want to express through your sexual relationship. Reiterate the commitment you’re making to each other in marriage, your loyalty, and your decision to create this unique and special bond together.

  • Pray together thanking God for his restoration and renewal, for this new and unique relationship, and asking for his blessing over your marriage and sex life 

  • Prepare affirming statements for your spouse you can express verbally or in writing

  • Bring a small jar or box, slips of paper, and something to write with. Start this with your first sexual experiences together. As you discover each other and build memories sexually, write down what you love about each other’s bodies, favorite moments, memories, or experiences, things you discover you enjoy together, and new things you learn about each other. Add to it over time if you want to, and come back to it now and again to reflect on the bond and intimacy you’re creating together. This jar will hold all the little pieces that create your sexual intimacy, and represent your history and your unique relationship. This jar holds countless wonderful things only the two of you share.

  5. Talk about your emotions and remember, there is nothing you “should” or “shouldn’t” feel

  If you feel at peace with the past and are ready for a fresh start together, that’s great. There’s nothing you should feel pressured to feel. However, if you have a host of complicated feelings come up, there’s nothing right or wrong about that either. Emotions are simply information and indicators that there is something to pay attention to, and parts of you that are asking for care. Honor the ones that are coming up for you and have as many conversations about this as you need to feel understood and at ease.

  A great tool for this is the Core Emotion Wheel. View instructions and download it for free here: https://www.connectioncodes.co/wheel

  This tool can be used to talk about all 8 of your core emotions regularly, but can also be used with specific focus on your feelings about your wedding night or sex life:

  • Anger - is there any anger that comes up for you when you think about your sexual relationship? Where is it coming from?

  • Hurt - are there any painful feelings you experience when you think about sex? What is causing them?

  • Sad - is there any sadness you feel regarding your sexual relationship? What are you sad about?

  • Lonely - is there any loneliness you feel when you think about your sexual relationship? What is the loneliness about?

  • Guilt - do you feel any guilt surrounding sex? What do you feel guilty about?

  • Shame - is there any shame for you? What about yourself are you feeling ashamed of?

  • Fear - do you have any fears, worries, concerns, or anxieties about the wedding night or your sexual relationship? What are you afraid of?

  • Joy - what joy is coming up for you about the wedding night and your future sex life? What are you excited about and looking forward to?

  You might not feel every single one of these, but it’s important to talk about any of them that are present. Any of them that go unspoken can create a barrier to your intimacy. Acknowledging the hard feelings that are involved can feel scary, but processing them together is what will move you toward more connection and healing.

  As you take turns talking, listen attentively and ask questions to understand what your spouse is sharing. Check with them to make sure they feel understood, and ask them what you can do together to address anything significant they have brought up.

  As you both exercise transparency with your feelings, do it in a way that accepts responsibility for what you’re feeling instead of directing it at your spouse. Make your relationship a safe place for both of you to be in process and wrestle with the complexities of life.

  6. Be very careful about words you speak in reference to sex overall as well as your own or your spouse’s prior sexual experiences

  Be fully transparent, open, and up front with your spouse about your background. This will build trust and bring inner conflicts to the surface where they can be resolved. Be willing to answer questions, but remember that details aren’t helpful.  Too many details or references to your past experiences can create painful images for your spouse and make them feel alienated, compared, self-conscious, or alone. Be a safe place for them to process this if it does happen and be understanding.

  In the same way, be careful about how you talk about or bring up your spouse’s past. This can also bring up painful feelings like shame, guilt, or alienation. Be kind to yourself and what’s coming up for you, but remember that your spouse has unique difficulties regarding this as well. Be an equally safe place for them to process what is in their past.

  
  During and after: 

  1. Be prepared to communicate during your first sexual experiences and your first time having intercourse

  If either of you experience any physical or emotional pain, bring this up right away so you can adjust and make a plan together moving forward. If you have not had prior experiences, you will have little in the way of indicators for what to expect your body to do or feel. If you have had prior experiences, you may have expectations and be caught off guard. Sexuality is dynamic. Stay curious and attentive to yourself too.

  If you are the spouse with more sexual experience, don’t make assumptions about your spouse. It can be damaging to project how you think they will or should respond or experience based on your past. Instead, make up your mind to learn your spouse inside and out, and be attentive to their feelings and experiences, knowing they are unique.

  2. Continue to talk about your experiences

  Create a norm for talking as things come up. This could mean setting aside regular times to check in about things, or creating a go-to phrase you use to let one another know you have something to bring up. I have created a tool you can use to brings things up together and talk through the different parts of your sex life. Get in touch if you’d like me to get you set up with that resource.

  View yourselves as learners and fellow journeyers. You are ever-changing, and so is your sex life. Instead of focusing your expectations on specific goals or outcomes, expect to change, learn, and discover together and enjoy the ride.

  3. Address ongoing challenges

  Sharing about the challenges is just the first step. If you start to see themes and patterns (some of which will only be clear if you’re talking regularly), it’s time for the two of you to team up to figure out what you can do. Here’s a format you can use:

  • What is the pattern we’re noticing?

  • What’s contributing to this challenge?

  • What feelings come up for each of us as we face this challenge? What do we need from each other to feel cared for and affirmed?

  • What support, information, or resources are available to us to address it?

  • What can each of us do to work on this together?

  4. Create new experiences together

  More responsibility for this will be on the partner who has had prior experiences. Be purposeful about creating experiences that can feel new for both of you. This will mean a lot to your spouse and help ease anxiety about comparison. Let them know what you want to try. Come up with creative ideas together. This can also help your spouse feel less alone if they know there are things you are both learning together and that are just between the two of you. 

  For the spouse with fewer experiences, don’t be in a hurry to “catch up”! Enjoy this process of learning and letting your sexual relationship develop and unfold together.

  5. Be prepared to handle flashbacks and memories, reassure your spouse, and get rid of comparisons

  Know that things might come up for you as you engage in a sexual relationship again. Process the feelings that come up for you, and choose to turn your thoughts toward your spouse and renounce any comparisons. Focus on your spouse and seek support if you struggle with unwanted thoughts and images.

  6. Different backgrounds, new traditions

  Let’s zoom out again to look at the whole picture.

  You’re two individuals, each with a complex background made up of many elements. Your sexual experiences represent only one of these elements. Together, you two are a completely new and unique creation. You each have your own unique mix of backgrounds that you’re now combining together. While you can’t control what is in your past, you can decide what you throw in the mix moving forward.

  Let that be a decision and not an accident. You get to decide together what you make of your marriage. What an incredible opportunity. Be purposeful with the ingredients you continue to put into the new creation that is your marriage. Dream together and let your sex life be one of the many areas you build together with purpose.

• For those still struggling with how the past impacts your intimacy

  A few final thoughts and mindsets that may bring more freedom and peace

  For the one struggling with your spouse’s past:

  • Look at the bigger picture and remember that both of you are bringing things into your marriage that cause difficulty in your intimacy overall. Sex is not the only area of your relationship and intimacy, nor is it more important than other areas. It is one of many facets of your relationship, and every area will include unique challenges and unique joys.

  • Guard against pride and blame. Remember that you didn’t earn your place here either. We are all only in good standing with God because of the Jesus’ sacrifice. Though our actions and choices affect one another, we must have humility. View any lingering anger, resentment, fear, or pain as a signal alerting you to where you need additional healing, not an indicator of your spouse’s fault.

  • Remember that you are in a unique and powerful position to reflect the love and forgiveness of Jesus to your spouse. If you’re feeling a sense of loss in any way, bring it to His feet and trust His power to restore.

  
  For the one struggling with your own sexual past:

  • If you desire to live your life with Jesus, renew your relationship and alignment with Him if you haven’t yet. This includes all areas of your life, not just your sexuality. Learn His heart of love for you and His desire for the best for you. Embrace the new creation you are in Christ Jesus. 

  • Seek support for any ways you continue to struggle and know you’re not alone.

  • If you have ongoing unwanted behaviors, know there are deeper parts of you needing care and healing. Choose to care for yourself and your marriage by seeking that care.

  • Enjoy your new sexual relationship with your spouse! This is an incredible, new opportunity for deeper intimacy and greater freedom.

If you are having difficulties navigating the mismatch in your past sexual experiences, please know that I have a special place in my heart for you - a place of deep compassion and great hope. If you need or desire additional validation, practical steps forward, or support in taking some of these steps, please reach out. There is great intimacy and freedom within your reach.