When You Want to Grow but You’re Already Overwhelmed
Anybody else?
You’re not where you want to be and you have an idea of what could be better. But part of the problem is that you’re already so overwhelmed. Who has time to do even MORE? It’s a cycle of overload, overwhelm, burnout, guilt, do more, take on an even bigger load, get even more overwhelmed, burn out even more, feel even more guilt, try harder, repeat.
I see you.
Growth does not always mean “DO MORE.”
Growth might mean resting right now. Physical sleep is vital for brain growth, healing, improving cognition and memory, and maintaining systems in your body vital to your health and functioning. What if our minds, hearts, and relationships need that rest as well? Maybe, right now, in order to grow, all you need to “DO” is stop doing.
Here’s what that might look like in your marriage:
Literally, rest - when you kick back, kick back together. Put your feet up and put your arms around each other, and enjoy how it feels to sit in silence, together. No need to schedule it. Do it when it happens. No pressure for deep conversations or sexual intimacy (unless it follows naturally). It’s your time to let rest do its thing. Even if what you’ve got to work with is 5 minutes.
Build growth into what you’re already doing - there’s a case for “single tasking,” but there’s also a case for taking advantage of what’s already taking your time, attention, and energy as an opportunity to nourish your marriage (or another part of you that you want to grow).
If you’re writing lists, jot a quick note to your spouse while you’re already at it
If you’re doing chores, do them side by side and chat about your day
Use car rides and commutes to catch up on the phone or in person
If your schedules are out of sync right now and you never seem to be home or available at the same time, don’t underestimate the power of your hellos and goodbyes. Use those moments to make eye contact, to send your spouse off off with compliment for the day, to let them know they matter, and to welcome them back home.
While you’re doing everything for everyone else, direct your thoughts to prayer. Process your thoughts, feelings, to-do lists with the Lord, and pray for your spouse while you’re at it.
Take care of you - being in a place of health, security, and strength serves your marriage well. Working on yourself is working on your marriage. If some basic needs of yours are going unattended, start there. Ask for help if you need to.
Consider what matters most to you and what you’re willing to trade - in the end, what you have in mind for growth might not be worth what it will cost you right now. If it’s not, take the pressure off of yourself and graciously acknowledge your limits. If it is, consider what is not as valuable to you in comparison that you’re willing to trade right now. If an extra hour with your spouse is really important to you, consider what could take up one hour less of your time each week. You don’t have to do more, but you might have to do different. Instead of putting more in your schedule, consider what swaps you can make.
Ok, that’s probably enough.
Truth be told, if this title describes you, it’s probably too much already.
And though these are some ideas, they’re not enough to soothe your spinning thoughts, slow your racing heart, solve your schedule problems, or crack the code on how the heck to slow down in this crazy world.
So to end, some encouragement:
Though I stress the importance of marriage and of intentional investment, life is constantly changing and there is no one thing that will work through every season and circumstance. The limitations on our time, energy, and capacity are very real. If you’re anything like me, you’re often frustrated that you have limits at all. It’s part of the broken human experience.
Take a deep breath and big dose of God’s grace today.
I love this prayer from 2 Thessalonians, and you’ll see me quote it often:
“We constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith.”
