What is My Role in My Spouse’s Healing?
I saw a video on social media recently about how to know if your spouse has unresolved attachment wounds and what you can do to heal them.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but…you are not responsible for someone else’s healing.
You can provide care while your spouse is healing. You can provide comfort. You can be a safe place to start learning and engaging in new, healthier patterns. You can have understanding for the ways their capacity shifts while they are healing. But you are not their healer.
What’s at risk?
Believing you are responsible for your spouse’s healing carries implications for both you and your spouse. It puts stress and pressure on you regarding things you have no control over, and can bring about guilt and discouragement when things aren’t changing or when you see your spouse struggling.
For your spouse, it can breed resentment in them when they experience pain and the effects of their wounds and believe you are responsible. None of these things serve your relationship well.
Here’s a story to put it in perspective:
I remember when my husband had a collarbone surgery early on in our marriage. He had broken it ten years earlier and it never healed correctly. Eventually, it started causing pain and he decided to get a surgery to correct it. Here’s what I did to care for him: I drove him to and from the hospital. I waited overnight with him after his surgery and helped to make him more comfortable. I helped him manage his medications over the next few days. I slept out in the living room with him while he was unable to lie safely or comfortably in a bed. I was careful with his healing shoulder, and reminded him to be careful, too.
Here’s what I did not do: I did not perform the surgery. I did not prescribe the medications. I did not cause his body to heal itself through its natural healing process.
Do you know what else I didn’t do? I did not break his collarbone. I did not cause the bones to fuse back together incorrectly. I did not cause the resulting pain or misalignment throughout his body. I did not cause the pain that was an integrated part of the surgery and healing afterwards. And I did not help care for him because I had to, but because I wanted to. Ultimately, these were things he had to do for himself if I was not available or able.
We can understand these ideas on a physical level.
It’s a lot harder to untangle emotions.
Here’s part of why: my husband is very clear on the fact that I was not present or even in his life when he broke his collarbone. When pain resurfaced years later when I was in the picture, there was no logical reason to believe that I had played any part in that, even though I was present for it. The way we slept when we’d cuddle at night was painful to him and he would have to change positions. When we’d hike together, his backpack would aggravate the skin over the bone that had healed incorrectly. He didn’t confuse any of that or come to the conclusion that it meant the pain was my fault.
But when our past emotional wounds come up and there’s another person present, our own brains can have a hard time untangling it. Someone touches on a wound that something else caused and that healed incorrectly, and sometimes we start to believe they are the cause. And then they can start to believe they are responsible for fixing it.
Wrong, and wrong again.
Not only is it not within our responsiblity to heal our spouse - it’s not within our ability.
Once I start believing that my husband’s healing is my responsibility, I start down a destructive path. When he was recovering post-surgery, I couldn’t make him take his medications. I couldn’t make him keep his arm still. I couldn’t make the pain go away if he did everything right and it still hurt. I also couldn’t make him go to appointments to begin with, or recognize his need for surgery. That was a conclusion he had to come to on his own. If I started blaming myself for the pain or expecting myself to get results from actions I had no control over, I would have felt pressured, stressed, and guilty, and would have started to sink into my own unhealthy patterns like withdrawal or aggression.
If my husband started to believe that I caused the pain, he would have started building resentment toward me because I hurt him, and wasn’t fixing it.
The same things happen when we do this with emotional wounds.
So what do healthy patterns look like?
It’s okay to be present with someone as they heal, to offer support, and to have patience with what they can and can’t do. Here’s how it looked while my husband was healing from his surgery: I understood it wasn’t good for him to move his arm too much, to lift things, or to sleep in our bed. I had grace and patience and picked up the extra slack around the house. I understood he needed an intensive time of healing and couldn’t go to work for a while or perform certain tasks at home. That had some financial impact. It had logistical impact. There was even some impact on our physical intimacy for a time. Though those things were challenging, we worked together to find solutions for things we could change and process and persevere through what we couldn’t. There was nothing to be angry at each other about. He got hurt and needed healing, and I had the opportunity to support him while he did.
What if we had that level of clarity and understanding of each other’s emotional wounds?
This is what the framework of thinking might sound like:
When we experience difficulty, it may stem back to some emotional wounds from the past that have not healed correctly
When I have unhealed wounds, some things that happen between us aggravate those wounds and indicate there’s something I need to address
These unhealed wounds were not caused by my spouse
It’s not within my spouse’s responsibility or ability to fix those wounds
It is my job to initiate and engage in the personal reflection, resources, and support I need to heal
During my healing process, my capacity is different, and I may not be able to engage in certain ways right now
Instead of being frustrated about my capacity, my spouse is curious about my needs and looks for ways to help
My spouse doesn’t feel responsible when I still feel pain even though they are doing what they can
If my health is impacting my spouse negatively for a prolonged period of time, we have boundaries in place to protect their health and the health of our relationship
Easier said than done, right? Physical health challenges are hard, but they make sense. Emotional health challenges are less visible, less tangible. But if we can separate each other from our wounds, take responsibility for our own healing, offer support for one another, and have understanding for the ups, downs, and limitations of one another’s healing process, we have a chance to come out on the other side closer and stronger, with positive experiences and stories of one another and a more intimately connected relationship.
I’m glad I had the opportunity to be there for my husband when he got a surgery he probably should have gotten 10 years earlier. It gave me the experience of being able to care for him and provide some support while he took the time he needed to heal. He got to experience care from me.
Healthier perspectives on both sides of this equation result in more effective individual healing, and relationships that are strengthened instead of damaged in the process.
*what if my spouse did cause the original wound I experienced? Then that is a different process. It’s a process of establishing norms like this:
Bringing up past wounds in a way that seeks connection and restoration
Listening with humility, curiosity, openness, and compassion
Offering validation and comfort
Each taking responsibility for your own role
Seeking solutions together
Setting up boundaries to protect you and your relationship from patterns of damaging behavior
I’d love to get into that more here, but each of those bullet points is a conversation (or many!) that deserves its own dedicated time and space. More on that later.
***what if my spouse’s unresolved past wounds are now negatively impacting me? If your spouse has unresolved wounds and you yourself do not feel healthy and also need care, then you may not be able to take the role of the caregiver right now as your spouse heals. You both need to seek the care and support you need. You are going through your own healing process. Process and let go of any guilt over that.
Depending on the degree of your spouse’s wounding, you may start to find yourself being pulled into unhealthy patterns or declining health. This is where boundaries come in. Again, this is a separate topic to dive into another time, but know that it is very real to suffer the effects years down the road from your spouse’s original wound, and it can affect your own health. Boundaries are vital for you in this time, and are healthier for both of you and your relationship. It’s important to determine what is actually best for the longterm health of your relationship at this time, and have the courage to do what your marriage really needs.
Do you have questions on what these processes might look like for you and your spouse? Are you at the beginning or at a turning point of your healing or caregiving journey with your spouse? Reach out for encouragement, prayer, and support. You’re not intended to walk through it alone.
