Here are 6 classic mistakes we made early on in our marriage (and still do on a bad day!), and how you can do it better. And keep in mind, these are the top 6 finishers, not the only competitors!

1. Leaving things unspoken

2. Responding to feedback or sharing with defensiveness

3. Invalidating emotions

4. Reacting emotionally instead of naming an emotion

5. Sharing for personal justice instead of connection

6. Expecting each other to meet needs only Jesus can

We’re two strong-willed, determined middle children who married each other. We brought some dysfunctional habits and personality traits into our marriage. And the chemical reaction that ensued was…unexpected.

We were two intelligent, well-intentioned Jesus followers who were deeply in love. And we found ourselves falling into all the classic relationship ruts. How could such hostile conflict even be possible? We learned a lot about ourselves and each other and the parts of us still in need of healing, maturing, and surrender to God.

Since every marriage and set of circumstances is different, you can’t prepare for everything that will come up in your marriage. It is a little bit like a science experiment, mixing chemicals for the first time and finding out how they will react. But you can build awareness so that you’re not completely caught off guard as things unfold, and you can learn tools that will help you prepare and respond.

So you know our 6 most impactful mistakes.

Here’s how you can do it better.

1. Leaving things unspoken < creating a culture of full transparency. Build trust by responding in curiosity and love when your spouse brings something up, even when it’s painful for you. Be honest about how you feel too. Get good at asking each other diagnostic questions regularly, such as “what has been concerning you lately?” or “how can I love you better?” “or how have you been feeling about our sex life (or our finances, or companionship, or emotional intimacy…fill in the blank)?” Be prepared to answer one another honestly when you talk about these questions.

2. Responding to feedback or sharing with defensiveness < responding by asking questions with the goal of understanding. You may feel hurt by your spouse’s feedback, and their feedback may feel like criticisms or complaints. But the truth is, they’re feeling disconnected from you. Defense only creates more distance. When your first response is listening, and believing they’re giving you important information about what is going on in their heart and mind, you can diffuse strong emotions, remain a steady source of love and care, and clear the way for better conversations.

3. Invalidating emotions < connecting the dots, explaining why it makes sense to feel the way they do, and asking what they need from you. If your spouse’s response seems out of proportion to the situation, that should be your first clue that there is something going on deeper down that you’re not aware of. Ask them to help you understand and connect the dots together. You’ll find there’s a very logical reason your spouse is feeling and reacting the way they are.

   Let me give an extreme example from a different context. Let’s say you’re walking down the street with a friend and a vehicle driving by backfires, and your friend cowers to the ground and covers their head and screams. Seems out of proportion. But then you find out they’ve witnessed a shooting, and their nervous system was triggered into a trauma response to protect them. They may not have needed this reaction or been in danger in this situation, but it makes sense based on their previous experience, and it reveals a way they are in need of healing.

   Have the same compassion for your spouse. Even if they have not been through an extreme trauma, their “irrational” reactions probably do have a very logical source to trace back to. Have compassion and take the time to find out what it is instead of assuming they’re being unreasonable.

4. Reacting emotionally < identifying what you’re feeling and naming it clearly to your spouse. Head on over to https://www.connectioncodes.co/wheel to learn a really simple and effective way to do so if you feel you have room to grow in this area. So often we find ourselves reacting in disconnecting ways without taking the time to understand what it is we’re feeling, let alone communicate that to our spouse. It’s powerful to be able to say what we’re feeling and process it through together. It unites us and enables us to address what is happening, and sometimes the connection that comes out of it is all the solution we need.

5. Sharing for personal justice < sharing with the goal of connecting. Share your perspective with your spouse, not to convince them person you’re right or that you were wronged, but to open up the opportunity to understand each other better. Share so you can both understand and connect. This means when one of you brings up a wound, it doesn’t mean you’re requiring the other person to make it right. You’re wanting to be validated and to connect and heal in response to what’s coming up in you. Have a mutual understanding that when you share something that’s bothering you, it is not pressure for a solution, but a request for connection.

6. Expecting each other to meet needs < getting your needs met through Jesus so you can enjoy the bonuses together. Realign your expectations from a place of security in Christ. In the end, our hearts were made for Him and only He will satisfy. Hold your desires and expectations loosely. This doesn’t mean you don’t have a role as a husband or a wife, or a responsibility to each other. This can be hard to untangle. More on that later. But for now, when your spouse is falling short, turn your eyes and heart to Jesus.

I was pretty aware of all of these potential pitfalls going into marriage. I knew they weren’t healthy. I knew what the goal was. But I didn’t have the tools to do it any better. I would love for you to have everything you need to do this right.

Think about it:

Are there any of these common mistakes that resemble patterns in your marriage? If so, what is missing or challenging in trying to do it better?

Do it:

Seek growth based on your needs. It might look like one of these things:

• Time with the Lord processing your part of the issue

• A book or podcast to educate you on the issue

• Encouragement and accountability from a friend you can trust

• Mentoring from a couple who has been there

• Discipleship from a spiritual leader

• Coaching from a professional equipped with the tools to walk you through the process

• Counseling from a professional equipped to help you heal from the fallout

Praying wisdom over you as you reflect on the challenges of your own marriage and consider steps toward growth.