6. Perspectives that Bring Freedom in Your Sex Life
In the 5 previous articles, I hope you’ve gotten the idea that each of our stories is unique, and we all have unique challenges and opportunities based on our backgrounds. No matter what your story is, I encourage you to read each one of the articles in the series “Preparing for Your Wedding Night,” even if it’s geared toward a different background or set of experiences than yours. Because there is such diversity in our backgrounds, experiences, and needs, there’s no way to completely separate things out into neat little boxes. You may relate to parts of different descriptions, or find things that apply to you or are helpful in several of these guides. So go back and read anything you missed and think through what would be beneficial to you.
I hope as you read, you also feel encouraged to see a bigger picture or different perspective. It’s easy to wish away our unique challenges and think it would be simpler if only_________. There are challenges across the board, and there are also opportunities for incredible intimacy in every story. In this series I have described four different types of couples based on a generalization of the background you both have. Think of these as four paths, not four trajectories.
If your path looks different, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t still lead to intimacy. It just means your way of getting there will look a little different. Different paths to the same destination.
I want to leave you with a few words of encouragement:
Your sexual relationship with your spouse is a process and a journey, and one that offers rich opportunity for intimacy. That can be messy. Don’t be afraid to get messy!
Remember that things that are easy are rarely things that are rewarding. “Easy” often leads to “stagnant.” If one of your unique opportunities is that your sex life comes really easy right now, discover how you can grow instead of leaving it there.
Understand that we have an enemy who wants to distort and destroy the beautiful gift of sexuality. Don’t be surprised or discouraged by troubles. We all have them.
Recognize the “if only” lie. Even if the challenge or difficulty you’re facing wasn’t there, you wouldn’t experience perfection. Unfortunately, no area of life is free from difficulty. And even if you did experience perfection in this area, it wouldn’t bring the long-lasting peace or fulfillment you long for. While deep intimacy can definitely bring experiences of peace, joy, and contentment, it’s not the ultimate or lasting source. You were made for more. You were made for relationship with Jesus.
Recognize the “disqualified” lie. Your challenges do not disqualify or keep you from intimacy. Your depth of intimacy has nothing to do with the presence or absence of mistakes and challenges. In fact, your struggles and specific set of challenges are all opportunities to build intimacy with one another by processing, providing care, and problem-solving together. Take on the challenges together and celebrate the intimacy this builds.
Commit to sexual integrity. The struggle for integrity in your sexuality doesn’t end on your wedding day. You have a new context to freely enjoy your sexuality within, but your vulnerability to selfishness and pride doesn’t change with your relationship status. That selfishness and pride can turn into destructive thoughts and behaviors in your sexual relationship with your spouse, and it can lead to sexual thoughts and behaviors directed outside your marriage.
Stay engaged. Engagement means taking an active part, directing your attention, interacting, and contributing. Think of this as an alternative to the “marriage takes work” idea. I prefer to think about it as engagement. A fulfilling marriage and sex life require engagement. Sex is fun and deeply meaningful. Engagement keeps it that way. Your sexual relationship will be as fulfilling as you make it. Disengagement is what makes anything boring and mundane. Stay engaged and enjoy the results.
Sex is deeply personal, meaningful, and complex. That means it brings many opportunities for both difficult and wonderful things. They are all constructive toward intimacy. It’s a learning process, and mistakes are part of any learning process. May God bless you as you learn, make mistakes, grow, and enjoy building intimacy over a lifetime together.
