5. Preparing for Your Wedding Night: For the Couple Who is already Sexually Involved
If you’re getting married and you’ve already been sexually involved with each other, you might think there’s not much to prepare for here. Think again!
This is the PERFECT opportunity to reset, re-evaluate, and re-establish yourselves in this area.
In this article, I will mostly focus on the unique challenges and opportunities that come along with the sexual relationship you’ve had with one another. I recommend going back to read the last few articles as well to process your past and evaluate your dynamics. Here’s a summary of the steps you’ll find there that could apply to you:
Detox from old mindsets and establish new ones
Plan ahead for celebration
Plan ahead for triggers - if you’ve not already addressed this but it has shown up in your sexual relationship with one another, now is the time.
Process your past together and talk through your emotions - again, if you are not already doing this, this can be a step of freeing yourselves from any negativity from the past and embracing the future. If you have any guilt, shame, fear, anger, pain, loneliness, or sadness related to the sexual activity you’ve already been engaging in, it is important to process that. Depending on the nature of your background, you might not be used to the vulnerability or relational factors that a healthy sex life in marriage requires. Vulnerability is necessary for intimacy, and intimacy is part of what makes sex in marriage so great. But if it’s not the pattern you are used to it can feel foreign, or even scary. Taking the time to process things using the tool I outlined in the last few articles will help you move toward this.
You might feel differently than each other about the sexual history of your relationship. Be gracious toward your spouse and what they are processing. If there is too much of a mismatch or you find you get stuck here, this is an area you’ll want to reconcile. It can be a source of conflict and ongoing resentment, even after you’re married.
Create new patterns
Address ongoing challenges
Now here are some additional things just for you to think through as your relationship changes and you build intimacy together in your marriage.
1. Take the time to understand sexuality on a deeper level
Our culture tends to be careless and casual with sex, but God created it for specific purposes and there’s more to it than the world around us has taught us to think. I recommend reading “God, Sex, and your marriage” by Dr. Juli Slattery. You have new opportunities to understand God’s heart for your sexuality and pursue it in new and beautiful ways with each other.
2. Celebrate the present and recommit to the future
If this is your first marriage, then you’re going to be experiencing sex as it was designed for the first time ever. If it’s not your first marriage, it’s still the first time you’re experiencing sex in the context of marriage with each other. That is amazing. Don’t downplay the importance of this night just because you’re already sexually involved with each other. Embrace this opportunity, celebrate it, commemorate it. Don’t let this be any old night. If you find yourself downplaying the significance of your wedding night because you’re already having sex, or you feel your sex life is in a rut, the start of your marriage is a wonderful time to renew your spark and your engagement in this area.
3. Be mindful of changing dynamics
Your new freedom in your sex life with each other is not about a piece of paper, a formality, or legalism. It is about commitment and covenant, and experiencing sex as it was designed. Things work better when they’re used for the purpose they were made for. They just do. You’ve gotten into habits of using sex differently than it was designed. That means it’s not going to function the exact same within your marriage as it is in your current relationship. Be mindful that your dynamics may change.
These changes can feel difficult at first. New feelings and responses may arise with sexual activity, or you might find that you suddenly face barriers you didn’t before as your relationship status changes. Maybe you carry feelings of guilt and shame into your marriage and find you can’t shake it. Maybe you experience pain or difficulty with desire, arousal, or orgasm that you didn’t before. Maybe your roles and responsibilities change with marriage, or you’re simultaneously going through additional life transitions like moving or job changes, and you experience new busyness, stress, or fatigue. The inevitable changes that happen as your relationship changes and ages can cause concern. Instead of blaming your marriage or your spouse, lean into the new opportunities for depth that marriage brings. Recognize the things you’re feeling a sense of loss over, and embrace the wonderful things this new season holds.
If you find any beliefs creeping in that are destructive to your marriage, follow these 3 steps:
Recognize - name the belief in a concise sentence (“sex with one partner gets boring” “sex was more exciting when we were dating”)
Renounce - declare your disagreement with this belief (“I disagree that my sex life with my spouse has to get boring” “I believe that marriage is the perfect context for sex, and I disagree that it was better before we got married.” )
Replace - repeat a true and helpful replacement thought (“It is up to me whether or not our sex life gets boring. It takes consistent investment like anything else long-term. I value my marriage and take responsibility to prioritize our sex life and make it highly rewarding and satisfying for both of us.” “The dating stage of our relationship was just a simpler time. Other things came easier too. There are lots of factors that affect our sex life. But marriage is a better place for it, and I’m excited to experience more of what it was intended to be, and build new intimacy together.”)
I hope your transition into marriage and the effects it has on your sex life are freeing, exciting, and beautiful. But if there are hard things that come along with that too, let them coexist with your joy instead of replacing or negating it. Marriage is an opportunity for beautiful new experiences and realities in your sex life.
4. Realign with Jesus
If you desire to live in close relationship with Jesus and live faithfully for Him, realign your lives with Him.
Not just in your sexuality, but in every area of your life.
Recognize where you’ve been living out of alignment
Acknowledge His plan for you
Affirm your belief in God’s goodness and wisdom
Recommit yourself to living in alignment with him
If you’re not sure what His intentions are for you or His plans for your life, seek someone who is spiritually mature and Biblically grounded who can walk through this with you.
If you intended to wait until you got married to engage sexually with one another, and are relieved that you will no longer have to worry about that struggle, please know it doesn’t end here. We are just as vulnerable to less-than-best behaviors and mindsets once we get married, they just may manifest differently. They can surface as damaging attitudes or actions toward our spouse, or compromised loyalty and directing our feelings or actions outside of our marriage. So these steps are important for ALL OF US who are serious about living in alignment and relationship with Jesus, and maintaining the intimacy and integrity of our marriage.
